I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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