I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My ass is underappreciated
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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