so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
