My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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