I'm so fucking centered right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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