I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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