My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
