i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
