were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
