Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
