i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
