My liver just broke up with me...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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