when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
