he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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