your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
