Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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