Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
