My room smells like vodka and shame
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
try to milk me bitch
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