I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
