Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
