The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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