so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I looked at my own cervix.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
