I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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