I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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