I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
