First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
