Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
