A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
