I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I cockslap morals
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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