I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
