OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
