How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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