She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm like, not good at living.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
