I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
time to smoke my breakfast
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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