I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
