Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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