my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
