so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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