Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
