There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
