yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
