Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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