Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
