It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
