i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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