When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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