On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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