I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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