so that wasnt chicken after all
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
