Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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