My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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