I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
