I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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