Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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