this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
